If You Seek Revenge, You Should Dig Two Graves

Note: This is a follow-up post to The Freaky Fashionista from Foshan. I’d suggest you read the backstory before reading any further, for a better context.

Well, I’m assuming that if you’re reading this post, you know the backstory, or you’re just lazy lol, in which case here’s a quick recap:

A couple of weeks ago, it was the Chinese Valentine’s Day, I went out with a girl who was out of my league, and it didn’t end well. At the beginning of the date, she asked me to buy her a few things from Burberry, when I didn’t, she took revenge, and left me almost naked inside the fitting room of a lingerie store.

There is a Chinese proverb: If you seek revenge, you should dig two graves. I’m assuming that the freaky fashionista from Foshan never heard this proverb before. So, after she took my photo, stole my clothes, and walked out of the fitting room, I stood there in the hot turquoise blue slip, and sighed. What do I do now? I looked at myself in the mirror, I should have listened to Josh, I thought. He warned me when I went his house party, the day I met the fashionista, the day I made my first bad decision of asking her out.

I heard a few women outside my fitting room, so, I thought of approaching them, but when I pictured myself coming out in a hot turquoise blue slip, I saw them screaming and running, so, I stayed still. I should call Baoshan, I thought. Boashan is a dear friend of mine, I met her when I first came to Shenzhen five years ago, and we’ve been friends ever since. She’ll be the perfect person to get me out of this, I thought. So, I went to grab my phone, but it was no where to be found. Fuck, I remembered that it was in the back pocket of my pants, which she took with her when she left me stranded.

Think fast, I thought, but nothing came to my mind, it was a lost cause. I slouched, sighed, and scanned the ceiling for a miracle, Oh God, please help me, I prayed. And within seconds, my prayers were answered. A Mötley Crüe song played in the store, and the first image that came to mind was of Tommy Lee, the drummer of the band, but instead of playing the drums, for some reason I pictured him on the beach with his ex-wife Pamela Anderson, like a scene from Baywatch. I quickly forgot about Tommy Lee, it was just Pamela in her American flag bikini, and Mötley Crüe’s song Home Sweet Home played in the background:

Just take this song
And you'll never feel left all alone
Take me to your heart
Feel me in your bones

Remix artwork using Platon’s original portrait of Pamela Anderson

I’m not sure what clicked, but all of a sudden I recalled the iconic portrait of Pamela Anderson that was taken by the British photographer, Platon, where she was wrapped with the American flag. “That’s what I need to do,” I said to myself. I stepped on the wooden stool, pulled the curtain down, and wrapped myself with it. The first woman who saw me outside my fitting room covered her mouth with her hands, and shook her head.

“Duìbùqǐ, nǐ bìxū kàn dào zhège” (I’m sorry you have to see this,) I said. She brought her hands down, smiled, and lowered her head. I ran to the counter, and asked to use the phone. But when I picked the phone receiver in my hand, I realized that this was 2021, and just like everyone else, I was dependent on the internal memory of my cell phone. There was no way I was going to get a hold of my friend Baoshan.

Duìbùqǐ, duìbùqǐ, duìbùqǐ” (I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,) I looked at the receptionist. “It’s okay,” she smiled, “it’s fine,” she said. I raised my eyebrows, I couldn’t understand why she was so calm. She pointed her hands towards the entrance of the store.

How the hell does she expect me to go out of the store like this?” I thought.

“Nǐ de yīfú” (your clothes,) she said.

I turned to look at the entrance area, and saw the security guard walking towards me. He smiled, and handed me my clothes. They explained that after abandoning me, the fashionista from Foshan ran out of the store, which triggered the alarm. She was eventually stopped by the security on the second floor. They found a few pieces of garments on her that she didn’t pay for, the cops were called, and she was detained.

I grabbed my clothes, went back to the fitting room, and got dressed. Then I installed the curtain back on the metal pole, took out of my phone, and wrote her a text message:

“Hey you, hope you’re broadcasting your visit to the police station on your TikTok, you’ll easily triple your fans,” I clicked the send button.

I came out of the fitting room, thanked the staff and the security for all their help, and called a cab. On the way home, I pictured everything that could have gone worse, and I felt grateful. I took out my phone, copied the Chinese characters for the proverb, If you seek revenge, you should dig two graves, pasted them on a new text message, and sent it to her.

She hasn’t replied yet. Do you think she will?