Why You No Marry?
Two years ago, I went in for an interview with the director of a prestigious private school in Shenzhen, China. “Cha?” He asked. I nodded with a smile. It was a good sign that he offered me tea. I loved the gesture, it said a lot about the Chinese culture. Tea brought warmth, but it also implied, so far we like you, now you watch yourself. The director signaled one of the girls in the room to join us, she was gorgeous. She dropped the contracts on his table, came close to me, and poured tea in a small white ceramic cup with red base covered in beautiful Chinese calligraphy. “Xie xie,” I said. “Oh your Chinese very good,” she laughed.
I was ready to present my plan; to implement project-based learning in grade 1, I had researched the school, had spoken to a few people at the education bureau, and had even bought a new red pocket-square that perched in the breast pocket of my lucky suit. I was more than ready.
I looked at the girl, she ran her fingers through her long black hair, and I wished we were on a date. She said, the director didn’t speak English, so she would do the translations. He cleared his throat, picked up my resume, and looked at me. He wanted to know why I moved to China, why I didn’t speak his language, and why my name was so hard to pronounce. I asked him if he had ever been to Canada, she reminded me that he was the one asking questions. I nodded with a smile. I waited for him to ask me about my plan, and why I was keen to redesign early years education. But he wasn’t curious about that, he wanted to know how a brown kid was born in Canada, to South Asian parents. Then he asked if my wife’s name was also hard to pronounce.
“I’m single,” I laughed. “Oh,” she blushed. “Why you no marry?” He asked.
What should have I told him? The Truth? He wasn’t ready for my truth. He wouldn’t have understood why I was happy being single, it was an idea beyond his imagination. It’s the same in the South Asian culture, if you’re not married, people think there’s something wrong with you. We are told, you should graduate with a degree, you should get a fancy job, you should marry a fair-skinned beautiful person of your own ethnicity, you should have kids, you should buy a car, you should mortgage a house, and you should live happily ever after. But I think differently, I believe designing a life based on my values is more important for my happiness. When I meet the person who has the same values as me, I will marry her, forever.
“Maybe I’ll meet someone here,” I told the director. His secretary lowered her eyes, and touched her ring finger.
The more I travel, the more diplomatic I become. In China, the golden rule for success is to have significant networks and connections that can help you move forward. There’s a Chinese word 关系 Guanxi (pronounced gwon-she,) which defines the fundamental dynamic in personalized social networks of power, and is a crucial system of beliefs in Chinese culture. A person who has a lot of guanxi will be in a better position to generate business than someone who lacks it. The plan I prepared was irrelevant, what mattered was my ability to respect the Chinese people, their culture, their values, and their sense of humor.
I knew that one of the reasons the director was concerned about my bachelorhood was that married people were seen as followers of the status-quo, if they have children, even better, they advance to being responsible. But single people, well, there is obviously something wrong with them. So how could I be responsible? This concerns majority of the older generation in Asia. No wonder he wanted reassurance from me that the students would be in good hands. Since I become an adult, I’ve dealt with that issue my whole life, that wasn’t anything new for me. But along the way, I have also learned new and creative ways to use that to my advantage.
“I have a superpower,” I told the director. He looked at me with his eyes wide open; a look I usually get from my new students. “The first time I taught 50 seven-year-old kids in a Chinese public school, and kept them engaged in my lesson, I knew I carried special powers.” Everyone laughed, and I got the job.
I walked away with pride, confidence, and her phone number.
P.S. We dated for a year.
