What if I’m Single Forever?
Ten years ago, I met a girl I thought I’ll marry. Our beginning was perfect, just like what you see in a Christmas romcom. It was a Saturday night in Toronto, snow danced in the cold but gentle wind outside, and pine wood crackled in the fireplace inside. The moment I walked into the bar and saw her, I was in love.
We started seeing each other on the weekends, then added Thursday date nights, Sunday dinner at her mom’s place. Life was good. The following year, I was shooting a project in Jerusalem, when I got an email from her, “we should move in together!” I said, “Yes!” We found a cute house on Foxley Street in downtown Toronto, with a majestic view of nature and beautiful architecture. We had great neighbors, especially the Vietnamese lady who always shared her homegrown weed with us. Life was great.
Then one day, she asked, “how many kids do you want?” I said, “none.”
She wanted stability, she wanted two children, she wanted us to buy a house close to her mom’s. I wanted to travel, to explore diverse cultures around the world, I wanted to be an expat, and I definitely didn’t want children. After that conversation, life was not that great anymore. We realized that we loved our preferences more than we loved each other.
“Maybe you’ll change your mind later on,” my mom said, “children are a blessing, they bring immense happiness into our lives, you should seriously think about that.” But I had thought about that a lot. It was clear in my mind that I didn’t want children. I didn’t know why. Some people said, I was selfish, others said, I just wanted an easy life. I didn’t care much about what everyone else thought. I cared about what she thought. It was one of the most difficult decisions I’ve ever made in my life. I loved her more than anything in this world, but I couldn’t give her what she wanted. So, we said bye to Foxley Street, to the Vietnamese lady, and to our beautiful future.
“You’ll be single forever,” my best friend said, “good luck finding a girl that doesn’t want kids.”
Of course I didn’t believe him at the time. There are many people in this world that don’t want children, I thought it was a matter of time, eventually I’ll meet the right girl.
But now I’m writing this after ten years, I still haven’t met the girl. In the last decade, I’ve dated amazing girls, with whom I saw a life together. And I was honest with all of them about my preference, yet they stayed with me and then at a certain point in our relationship, they said they wanted kids.
Every one of them.
“I thought you’ll change your mind, don’t you wanna create a family with me?”
“Our kids will be so cute, you know everyone says that.”
“Yes, you told me you didn’t want children, but now we’re in love. It’s different. I’m not even taking pills anymore.”
This is the story of my life. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve met a few girls that also didn’t want children, but we had different values. We weren’t right for each other. In the last few years, at some point, I realized I was just wasting time hoping to meet the right girl. I needed to be realistic rather than being a hopeless romantic. So I started focusing on my needs, and life was great again.
However, it’s been a year now since I’ve slept with anyone. Last year was a wakeup call for me. Staying celibate wasn’t by choice; it was a gift from 2020. Now that I’m back in China, and around people that I’ve slept with before, you’d think I would’ve jumped back on the bandwagon. But I surprised myself by not calling those girls, even when I was drunk. I think something is different in me now. I can feel it. I still don’t want kids, but I also don’t want to have sex just to fulfill my needs. I want someone special in my life.
So, I’m starting a new project. I’m going to date as many girls as possible until I meet the right one. And no, I’m not going to be single forever. I know it in my heart. My first date is on Thursday.
If you know someone you think would be a great match for me, do the introductions. I promise you’ll be on the guest list when we get married haha.
