How I Met Her Mother

At the beginning of this year, I became a fake boyfriend in China, and later met the father of my fake girlfriend. Our interaction was so horrible that my friend decided not to introduce me to her mother. So, I was surprised when she called me a few days ago, and asked me to accompany her to the biggest fundraising gala in Shenzhen.

“My mom is coming to town, and she wants to meet you,” she said over the phone, “and her company is the platinum sponsor for the event,” she said. Of course they are, I thought. The last time I met her father for dinner, he ordered a $780 bottle of Kweichow Moutai. I knew I was playing in the big leagues.

“Are you sure you want me to pretend to be your boyfriend again?” I said.

“Of course, it’s not like I have a choice,” she said, “be ready at 5:30 PM, the limo will pick you up, oh and it’s a black tie event, so look sharp,” she hung up.

On the day of the gala, I went to the barbershop, then picked up my suit from the drycleaners, came home and polished my shoes. I felt like I was Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, getting ready for another disaster. How bad could it be? I thought. I already fucked up everything I could the last time I met her dad. But I’m really good with moms, I thought, so just chill. There was nothing to worry about, I was more experienced now, and I could easily pull off being the perfect fake boyfriend/fake plastic surgeon.

The limo arrived at 5:30 PM, I got in, but she wasn’t in nor was her mom. So, I called her to make sure it was the right car. “What makes you think my mom will take the same car as you?” She said over the phone.

“I don’t know, isn’t this fundraiser about saving the planet or some bullshit like that,” I said, “I would think we’d at least watch our carbon footprint tonight.”

She laughed out loud, not sure why, I wasn’t trying to be funny. “We are running a bit late,” she said, “but don’t worry, you’re on the list.” Every time she told me not to worry, it reminded me of my time with her dad, so I worried more. I’m not gonna drink too much tonight, I looked out the window.

At 6:05 PM, the limo driver lowered the partition window that separated me from him, “Xiānshēng, wǒmen dàole jiǔdiàn” (Sir, we have arrived at the hotel,) he said. “Xièxiè” (thank you,) I said. The door opened automatically, the concierge ran towards me and bowed, “Huānyíng lái dào xiānggélǐlā” (Welcome to Shangri-La,) he said. I walked up to the entrance of the hotel and noticed a woman in short tight black dress smiling at me. I smiled back.

“Dr. Ashman, this way,” she pointed at the elevator. How the hell does she know who I am? I thought, I guess this is what it feels like to be a celebrity.

As soon as we came out of the elevator, there were women in short tight pink dresses, one of them came closer to me, examined her iPad mini, and wrapped her arm around mine, “let me take you to your table, Sir, you’re in the VIP section,” she said (her accent reminded me of a girl I once met in Singapore who tried really hard to sound British.)

The grand ballroom was straight out of a fairytale. The pathway from the elevator area to the entrance of the ballroom was covered in dreamy flowers ranging in color from dark purple to white, it reminded me of my trip to Wisteria Tunnel at the Kawachi Fuji Gardens in Japan. “What do you do?” She looked at me. “I’m…,” I gulped, “um a plastic surgeon,” I said. “Wow,” her eyes sparkled, “wish they were bigger,” she looked at her breasts. “They look perfect to me,” I winked. She laughed and pointed towards my table, “looks like you’re the first one to arrive,” she said. “Thank you, I’ll walk around a bit,” I said, grabbed a glass of champagne, and made my way to the silent auction area.

They had everything from staycations at five-star hotels, to jewels, to limited-edition designer diaper bags, but the lowest starting bid I found was for 10,000 RMB (equivalent to 1500 USD,) so I kept walking. After ten minutes or so, more people arrived, and the ballroom got boisterous.

All of a sudden, someone blindfolded me with their hands, “what are you gonna buy me?” She said. I turned around, and it was my friend (my fake girlfriend). She wore a white gown, it was clean and sensual, it looked like one of the Justin Alexander’s signature wedding dresses.

“They don’t have anything here that you don’t already have,” I laughed.

“Are you sure about that?” The lady next to my friend smiled at me. She wore an elegant sleeveless lavender gown.

“Hi, I’m Alex,” I shook her hand.

She took a step forward, and kissed me on my cheek, “finally we meet,” she said, “my husband told me a lot about you,” she winked.

“Oh God,” I lowered my eyes.

“Māmā, bié ràng tā nánkān” (Mom, stop embarrassing him,) my friend said.

We walked up to our table, which to my surprise was already occupied with guests. There were two empty seats together, and one empty seat between two old but powerful looking Chinese men. I walked towards the two empty seats assuming that they were for me and my fake girlfriend, but before I could sit, her mom (let’s call her Mrs. Li) looked at me and pointed towards the single empty seat. Of course, I thought. I walked up to my seat, greeted the men to my right and to my left, but both said they didn’t speak English. Great, I thought, picked up the glass of red in front of me and took a sip.

“This is me,” the man on my left looked at the wine glass I held. Oh, now you speak English? I nodded with a smile, and passed the glass in his direction. His nose wrinkled, his upper lip pulled up, and he looked away. I saw Mrs. Li witnessing the blunder. Fuck me, I thought. My phone vibrated under my thigh, I pulled it out and looked at the message, “you never cease to amaze me lol,” my fake girlfriend wrote. I looked at her and shook my head. She giggled and covered her mouth with her hand. “Why aren’t we sitting together?” I wrote back. I saw her read the message, then she looked up at me and raised her shoulders.

For the next 30 minutes, I tried to look for opportunities to impress her mom, but there were none. Everyone spoke Chinese at our table, it was as if I wasn’t even there. So, I ate the five course meal, drank, and waited for a miracle. After desserts were served, the host of the gala came to the stage and began the auction. For the first five minutes, I observed what was happening, every time someone won the bid, the music played and their company’s name displayed on the main screen with the total amount of money raised for the charity.

This could be my moment! I thought. I realized that I was surrounded by the richest of the rich, so if I bid first, I would definitely be overbid by someone. This way I could show that I had the cash to play in the big leagues without spending any. The next auction item was an ancient looking Chinese painting, the starting bid was 40,000 RMB (equivalent to 6K USD). I raised my card, Mrs. Li’s company’s name appeared on the main screen, and everyone on our table cheered. My heart skipped a beat. Then someone across our table raised their card, and I took a deep breath, Thank God, I smiled at my fake girlfriend. She shook her head, “you’re crazy,” I read her lips. The plan worked beautifully, people on our table started talking to me, turned out many of them spoke English. I was now in the spotlight. I placed a few more bids, and luckily got overbid by someone every single time, people cheered for me, we drank, and Mrs. Li smiled. This is perfect, I thought.

Then the host of the night said something in Chinese, a video of Nepalese children playing on the mountains came up on the screen. “It’s the last auction for the night,” someone on our table said. “Are they auctioning the children?” I said. Mrs. Li and everyone on our table laughed out loud. The bidding price appeared on the screen. It was 160,000 RMB (equivalent to 25K USD). This is my last chance, I thought, and raised my card up in the air. All of a sudden, the loud music played, the number on the screen changed to 1.6 million RMB (equivalent to 250K USD) and Mrs. Li’s company’s name came to the top of the list. Mrs. Li’s eyes widened in shock, everyone on our table looked at me as if I killed those happy Nepalese children, and I turned to look at my friend, “what did just happen?” I said.

“You fucked it up,” she shouted from across the table.

It wasn’t a bid for an adventurous vacation in the Nepalese mountains. It was a chance to donate money towards the construction of a school in northern Nepal. Each person on our table had to pay 25K USD, including me. I almost shat my pants. It was a royal fuck up for sure. My friend walked up to me, “you need to fix this,” she said. “But how?” I said. “I don’t care how, figure it out, or my mom will kill you,” she walked away.

I got up from my chair and ran towards the stage. “Who is in charge?” I asked the host. He pointed at the side door. I walked up to the door, drew open the curtains, and said, “I need help!” There was a lady in black gown working on her laptop, she looked up, and pulled up a chair. I sat down next to her and explained what had happened. Surprisingly, she was helpful, she asked me the name of Mrs. Li’s company, and then pressed a few keys on her laptop. “Don’t worry, it’s fixed,” she said. I took a deep breath, looked up, and thanked the lord.

When I got back to our table, everyone was relaxed, I didn’t understand how that could be. It’s not like they saw me fix the problem. “It’s all good now,” my friend said.

“I know, I fixed it,” I said.

“What do you mean you fixed it?” She raised her eyebrows, “my mom just spoke to her board of directors, and they agreed to write this off under their social corporate responsibility portfolio,” she said. Mrs. Li walked up to me, put her hand on my shoulder, and said, “don’t worry doctor Ashman, this will bring a lot of prestige to my company,” she said.

All of a sudden, the hostess tapped her fingers on the mic, the crowd turned their heads towards the stage, and Mrs. Li’s company’s name disappeared from the screen and the top position got replaced by another company.

“Oh shit,” I said.

Mrs. Li looked at me in shock, “what the hell did you do now?”

The happy Nepalese children came back on the screen, the loud music played in the background, and everyone cheered. Well, almost everyone.